Coaching People Who Don’t Want to Be Coached

Coaching people who don’t want to be coached is a challenge for leaders, managers, and professional coaches everywhere. Even though it is key to transforming professional and personal trajectories, the reality is that there will be those who resist this approach for growth. Handling such situations appropriately is crucial. This could be the difference between breakthrough results and continued frustration.

The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning. – World Cup winner, Pele

Why Do Some People Don’t Want to Be Coached?

Before dismissing others as “uncoachable”, it is important to recognize that resistance may arise from several personal and psychological factors. Identifying what the roadblocks to coaching people who don’t want to be coached is crucial for coaches to approach the hesitant person with care and sincerity.

1. Fear of Change

For many, the comfort zone is safe and cozy. They view change as uncomfortable. And so, avoid anything to upset the status quo. Even if they realize change is a potentially positive driver, they still get apprehensive about the process.

As an example, Fanny, who built her career as being a no-nonsense iron lady, could feel disconcerted if told to cultivate a more empathetic communication style to accommodate the younger generation. In such a situation, she may feel that changing her approach could make her seem weak and reduce her influence.

2. Lack of Self-Awareness

Some people see no need to receive coaching. They believe they are doing well and see no reason to be coached. For such persons, they do not see the gaps or improvement areas and would feel that coaching does not add value to their life.

For instance, Jim, a product development senior manager of an FMCG organization, sees no need to be coached even though his abrasive nature is demoralizing his team and peers. Since he does not see the full picture of how others view him, he dismisses coaching as unnecessary.

3. Feeling Forced to Receive Coaching

Coaching people who don’t want to be coached may sometimes feel like forcing people to like something they dislike. When coaching becomes part of a learning and development program, there is the possibility that some individuals could view the sessions as an intrusion. People automatically resist it when they are told to change, especially if they believe there were no gaps to bridge in the first place.

Sometimes, those at the top of the corporate ladder may feel having an assigned coach means the organization doubts their capabilities. They perceive coaching as just another formality to undergo, instead of the opportunity to develop further.

4. Negative Past Experiences

Let’s be honest, there are good coaches and there are bad coaches. Bad coaching often feels like undergoing a necessary but painful procedure. Those who have worked with one sided or judgemental coaches could form a negative perception against the process, generalizing that all coaching would be the same.

5. Organizational Culture

Some organizations brandish coaching as a stick to beat people with. This is how the perception that coaching is a remedial tool is built. In such organizations, only the low or non-performers are assigned to be coached. Over time, coaching gains the unwarranted reputation that the process is only for “underperformers”. In time, the stigma builds up until people get defensive and so resist participating. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot even be touched. They must be felt with the heart. – Activist and Disability Rights Advocate, Helen Keller

The Hidden Risks of Coaching People Who Don’t Want to Be Coached

As much as one wishes to believe in the human potential for greatness of the person, being pragmatic is important to avoid missteps when it comes to coaching people who don’t want to be coached. Pushing people to do something they do not believe in, or feel forced to participate, may backfire even if things were done with the right intentions.

1. Misaligning Expectations

Everyone in the coaching engagement has their own expectations. The coach may want to support transformation but if the coachee is recalcitrant, the expected outcomes may run askew.

Imagine a VP who is assigned a coach to be develop higher-level strategic thinking capabilities, but the leader sees no reason to change. Consequently, sessions feel forced, issues are explored only at the surface level, and resentment builds on both sides. The coach may feel he is wasting his time while the VP feels trapped in a process not of her choice.

2. Damaging Trust & Relationships

Coaching people who don’t want to be coached is demanding. People who do not want to receive coaching may feel misunderstood or judged. Even if that is not the case, their biased perception leads to disengagement, or even resentment as they interpret the conversations as micromanagement. This damages the trust between them and decision makers, as well as associated relationships.

3. Wasted Time, Energy, and Resources

Coaching at a high level requires a significant investment of time, money, and emotional energy. If people are unwilling, the effort may yield little to no return. For example, an organization decides to sponsor executive coaching for a senior leader. However, this person refuses to engage meaningfully. They attend sessions out of obligation but remain defensive and dismissive. Eventually, there is no real progress, making the affair a costly misstep.

To be a great coach, you yourself need to be humble and coachable.– Success Coach Jack Canfield and #1 Strategic Innovation Coach Dr Peter Chee

Approaching the Challenge of Coaching People Who Do Not Want to Be Coached

Coaching individuals who do not want to be coached is challenging but possible. The task is to open doors instead of closing windows. Fostering a safe space that invites people to openly engage in the process is key. Here are five approaches to consider for transforming skepticism into readiness.

1. First, Build Trust

Usually, individuals who are apprehensive about receiving coaching is due to the lack of trust. For many, the initial session may be the first time they are meeting with their coach. The absence of familiarity is not conducive for a productive coaching conversation. So, coaches are encouraged to build trust first before diving into the coaching conversation proper.

A good approach to establish trust is by maintaining authentic rapport and use humor to lighten the situation. Coaches create rapport by getting to know the coachee better. This develops mutual understanding and demonstrates the coach has the coachee’s best interest at heart.

2. Ask, Don’t Tell

The coaching process is often framed as a question-heavy method. Telling people they should do something makes them defensive and unreceptive. Instead, use open-ended questions to trigger reflection about their own situation.

For example, rather than saying, “You need to be more open to feedback”, the coach can ask, “What kind of feedback has been most helpful to you in the past?”. This gives the person space and safety to think the possible lessons which can be gleaned from past experiences.

Remember that powerful questions release solutions for the coachee to own and be accountable for!

3. Discover What They Care About

Coaching is a coachee first activity. By putting the person first, the coach can guide the process to show how coaching benefits the coachee. Smart coaches do so by connecting coaching to the coachee’s priorities.

For example, Jim, a sales director was initially put-off when he was put in a coaching program. Sensing his reluctance, the coach ask questions to identify what Jim cared about. For Jim, exceeding the sales target was his prime priority. Using that knowledge, the coach could then focus the coaching conversation on how to support Jim in reaching his goals to boost sales performance. As a result, Jim become much more engaged and enthusiastic since the coach and him were on the same page.

4. Start Small

Change is difficult. Do not expect transformation to happen with a snap of the fingers. We are not Thanos with the Infinity Glove. People are likely to feel overwhelmed when faced with a cascade of actions in a big coaching plan. Help them overcome this feeling by identifying their priorities and starting with small wins that lead to bigger victories.

For instance, Sarah sensed that team meetings often did not begin well. She voiced this concern in a conversation with her coach. The two worked out a team communication guide but it felt too much. Sensing the overload, the coach asked if there was just one thing Sarah could do for a start. After some thought, she realized she could begin meetings with asking people to share what went well. This tiny shift helped the team to enter discussions with a positive mindset and improve team morale.

5. Know When to Step Back

Not everyone is ready for coaching at every moment. Sometimes, the best move is to step back and let them ask for coaching when their hearts and minds are ready. There are many incidences where leaders keep shutting down the coaching sessions. Instead of pushing, the coach backed off and simply remained available. Months later, after facing a leadership challenge, the leader reached out for support and did so on their own terms.

I’ve never felt my job was to win basketball games. Rather, that the essence of my job as a coach was to do everything I could to give my players the background necessary to succeed in life. – American College Basketball Coach, Bobby Knight

Connection Matters

Coaching is not about forcing people to change. Coaching is about meeting people where they currently are and giving them the support to go to where they want to be when they are ready. Rarely do successful coaches and leaders who coach impose their will on others. Rather, they create the space and conditions to enable people for growth and development.

The goal of coaching people who do not want to coach is not to convince them; it is to connect with them in a way so that they want to achieve positive transformation and impact. Get that right and resistance melts away.

For more, discover how to become an effective coaching professional with the Certified Coaching and Mentoring Professional (CCMP) program, or reach coaching mastery with the Certified Chief Master Coach (CCMC) program to elevate results in the areas of work and life that matter. Or drop us a line for a complimentary consultation and we will get back to you. Talk soon!

The best coaches never tell their athletes that they are wrong. They rather focus on creating awareness. – Author, Abhishek Ratna

Other resources you might be interested in:

• 20 Best Coaching Books: Level Up Your Life
• 8 Effective Coaching Skills for Leaders & Managers
• 7 Types of Coaching in the Workplace: A Practical Guide

Note: The content on this article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. ITD World is not responsible for any actions taken based on the information provided here.