Feedback conversations go sideways all the time, and when they do, people just stop caring about their work. We’ve watched it happen over and over. A manager tries to help someone improve, but the person walks away feeling terrible instead of motivated.
Most leaders genuinely want their people to succeed, but nobody taught them how to have these conversations properly. Bad feedback doesn’t just hurt someone’s feelings for a day.
It breaks down trust, kills motivation, and makes people scared to take risks or try new things. The crazy part is that your team actually wants feedback from you. They want to know how they’re doing and where they can get better. They just don’t want to feel attacked when you give it to them.
Why Feedback Matters
Only 26% of workers say their boss’s feedback actually helps them do better work. But get this – 64% of them want more feedback than they’re getting right now. Something’s clearly broken in how we’re doing this.
Gallup did some research that blew our minds. People who get useful feedback every week are 80% more likely to actually care about their jobs. Every week, not once a year during some boring performance review.
Your people are dying to know how they’re doing. They want to grow and get better at their jobs. But when you give feedback that’s vague or feels like an attack, they just shut down completely. The problem isn’t that we need to give feedback – the problem is we’re doing it wrong.
Core Mistakes That Undermine Feedback
Mistake 1: Being Vague or Non-Specific
“Great job on that project” might make someone smile, but it’s completely useless. They have no clue what they did right, so they can’t do it again next time.
“You need better communication skills” is just as bad. What does that even mean? Should they talk more in meetings? Write clearer emails? Stop using big words? They’re left guessing, which helps nobody.
You need to get specific about what actually happened. The SBI method works because it tells people exactly what they did and why it mattered. No more guessing games.
Mistake 2: Forcing the Time and Place
Peter Cheel coaches executives and he tells this story about his childhood. His mum would yell “Dinner’s ready!” while he was deep into building something with blocks. He needed a few minutes to finish what he was doing and switch gears.
The same thing happens at work. When you march up to someone and say “We need to talk right now,” you’re ripping them out of whatever they were focused on. Their brain is still thinking about that spreadsheet or that phone call they just finished.
Cheel says to ask people when they can talk instead of demanding it immediately. “This creates the right space for conversation and makes sure they’re actually paying attention to what you’re saying.”
Mistake 3: Jumping Straight Into Criticism
Evan Goodman works with business owners who are new to managing people. He sees this mistake constantly. Someone schedules a meeting without saying why, then immediately starts listing everything that went wrong.
“This battle approach shuts down any real conversation before it even starts,” Goodman explains. “It stops people from understanding what’s really going on and ruins any chance of actually connecting with them.”
When people feel ambushed, they get defensive immediately. When they’re busy defending themselves, they’re not listening to what you’re trying to tell them.
Mistake 4: Ignoring Two-Way Dialogue
Feedback should be a conversation, not a lecture where you download information into someone’s brain. Too many managers just talk at people without asking what they think or trying to understand what really happened.
Maybe there’s context you don’t know about. Maybe they were dealing with something difficult. Maybe they didn’t have the right tools or information. You’ll never find out if you don’t ask.
Cheel puts it perfectly: “Sometimes it’s better to understand their side first before you say anything. When you ask someone to explain what happened, you might completely change your mind about what feedback to give them.”
Mistake 5: Blurring Boundaries Afterward
You just had a serious conversation about someone’s performance. The feedback was important and they needed to think about it. Then you immediately start chatting about the weather or asking about their weekend plans.
Goodman sees this happen all the time. “Leaders get uncomfortable after giving feedback, so they try to make everything normal again by talking about random stuff. But this just confuses people about whether the feedback was actually important.”
Your person walks away wondering if you were serious or just making conversation. Mixed signals kill the impact of everything you just said.
Better Ways to Communicate Feedback
Make Feedback Specific Using SBI
The SBI method turns useless feedback into something people can actually use:
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Situation – Tell them exactly when and where this happened
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Behaviour – Describe what you saw them do, not what you think they were thinking
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Impact – Explain how their actions affected other people or the project
Instead of saying “Your presentation was bad,” try something like this: “In Tuesday’s client meeting, when you kept looking at your notes instead of making eye contact, the client started checking their phone and seemed to lose interest.”
Now they know exactly what to work on.
Set Up Meetings Collaboratively
Stop demanding people drop everything to talk to you right now. Ask when they have time for a conversation instead.
“When would be a good time to chat about some feedback?” shows respect for what they’re working on. They’ll be way more open to hearing what you have to say.
Clarify the Purpose Upfront
Start every feedback conversation by explaining why you asked them to meet. Don’t make them guess or worry about whether they’re in trouble.
“We wanted to talk because we noticed some things that could help you be even better at client presentations.”
No surprises, no anxiety, just clear communication about what’s happening.
Encourage Two-Way Feedback
Before you share what you noticed, ask them what they think. Check in with them first and actually listen to their answer.
“How do you feel about how that client meeting went?”
“What was challenging about that project for you?”
You might learn something that completely changes what feedback you want to give them.
Keep Boundaries Clear
When the feedback conversation is over, end it properly. Don’t immediately jump into talking about something completely different.
Wrap up the important stuff, agree on what they’re going to work on, then let them go think about it. Casual chat right after serious feedback just makes everything confusing.
Techniques and Conversation Starters
Use Feedforward
Stop focusing on what went wrong and start talking about what they can do better next time.
“What would you try differently if you had to do that presentation again?”
This makes people feel hopeful instead of defeated. They start thinking about solutions instead of dwelling on mistakes.
Start with Check-In Questions
Make people feel safe before you dive into feedback:
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“How are things going with these types of projects?”
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“What’s been the trickiest part of this role for you?”
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“How did you feel about that situation when it was happening?”
These questions open up real conversation instead of one-way criticism.
De-Escalate and Invite Dialogue
When things get tense during feedback conversations, just pause and acknowledge it.
“This seems like a tough conversation for you. What’s going through your mind right now?”
This shows you care about them as a person and keeps the conversation productive.
Follow-Up and Accountability
Don’t just hope they’ll magically improve on their own. Schedule a time to check in with them again.
“Let’s talk again after your next client presentation to see how it goes.”
This shows you’re invested in helping them get better, not just pointing out problems.
Sample Feedback Conversation Outline
Here’s how to structure these conversations:
1. Ask when they’re available: “When’s a good time to chat about some feedback?”
2. Explain why you’re meeting: “We want to talk about some things that could help you with client presentations.”
3. Check in first: “How do you think that last presentation went?”
4. Actually listen: Let them share their perspective before you say anything.
5. Give specific feedback: Use the SBI method to be clear about what happened.
6. Focus on the future: “What would you do differently next time?”
7. Offer support: “How can we help you with this?”
8. End clearly: Don’t switch to random topics after the feedback.
9. Follow up: “Let’s check in again next week after your presentation.”
Conclusion: Why Doing Feedback Better Builds Trust and Performance
When you give feedback well, people trust you more and want to do better work. They feel supported instead of attacked. They know you care about helping them succeed, not just pointing out their mistakes.
Goodman reminds us that giving feedback is a skill that takes practice. Like learning to drive or cook, you get better at it over time. The effort you put into learning how to do this right pays off in ways you can’t even imagine. Your people become more confident, your team communicates better, and everyone starts focusing on getting better instead of just avoiding mistakes.
What’s the hardest part for you – setting up these conversations or actually having them once you’re in the room?
Other resources you might be interested in:
- 7 Leadership Mistakes to Avoid: From Failure to Success
- Soliciting Feedback: Key to a Building a Better Workplace
- Leadership Feedback: Changing for the Better
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